Hello.
And a Happy New Year!
I've been a little off the radar recently. I moved cities. I visited family and friends. I went to the beach. I got a (minimal) tan. I played
a lot of pool volleyball. I got two kittens. I put my roots down and began to grow. I started a growing herb garden and a lemon tree, some lavenders and succulents. I learned how to make vegan brownies. I started my professionals course. I did assignments. I slept. I saw stars. I watched movies. And it. was. AWESOME. Busy, at times. But awesome.
But, to be honest, in the midst of it, I still haven't quite got into routine. Into being settled. And, in true respect to my last post, that worried me. Because, I guess part of me just expected it to happen instantaneously.
Something like... I unpack, therefore it's home. I plant, therefore it grows. I show the kitties the litterbox, therefore my handbag is not a toliet. I slept, therefore I'm rested. I'm thankful, therefore I'm full.
Well, needless to say, life doesn't quite work like that. Life doesn't work in equations or instant moments. It's a path of progression. And recently, my path of progression has got me thinking.
What makes my heart full?
Before I answer that, I want to explain what I mean.
By definition, full means "containing or holding as much or as many as possible; having no empty space" or "not lacking or omitting anything; complete". As a noun, it can also mean "the period, point, or state of the greatest fullness or strength." What I mean by full heart is something in between. It is that place of strength where your heart is bursting, it is brimming with hope, love and laughter. It is thankful and joyous, and so full of life and its wonders that it almost bursts. It's contentment in a moment and expectation for the next. It's that feeling as though your heart is so overwhelmed with the beauty of everything life has to offer that you could not possibly feel anymore. It is a state of being I wish everyone would experience more of. And when I was so busy being caught up in forcing myself to relax or convince myself that I was settled and it was all sorted, I missed that. And that's why I started thinking, what am I missing?
It wasn't time. I had given myself some more of that. I mean, granted I was still busy, had things to do and deadlines to make. But I was consciously taking time out to feel grateful for Christmas, for New Year, for the support and love around me.
It wasn't rest. I mean, I think my body could probably always use more rest then I give it, but I was sleeping well, I gave myself some time off. I didn't push it and go for runs or exercise when my body didn't want to.
It wasn't love. I am surrounded by love. And supported so very well by so many amazing people who cherish and cheer for me everyday.
It wasn't things. I have everything I need and more. And, things aren't things we miss anyway.
It wasn't direction. Granted, I haven't quite sorted "the next step". But I've done that deliberately. And I have at least a years worth of study/loose ends to tie up/things to do career-wise and life wise.
So what was it?
Well. To be perfectly honest. It surprised me too.
It was listening.
I wasn't making an effort to listen to what was being shown to me. I wasn't actively looking at anything I was seeing. I was loving life, yes. But I wasn't giving myself room to truly connect with it.
Today I had an epiphany of sorts. I was waiting for the ferry and I was watching the boats come in and out. There was a child laughing with their grandfather and dancing with excitement at the day to come and the trip he was embarking on. There was this lady, so caught up in her frown that she looked as though the world was killing her. The extreme difference between the two reminded me of the importance of having child-like faith in this world. My Mum reminded me this morning that there is wonder in the really basic stuff. I thought at the time that she was so right, that I saw it. But I realised later that actually sometimes I don't. Sometimes I am far too absorbed in myself to realise that sometimes it is the blessing of witnessing moments of wonder - whether its by a child, by a beautiful landscape, by a song, by whatever you can think of - that witnessing is the blessings that can make your heart so full.
All along, there are moments in your day waiting to tell you something. We have take the time to listen to them. Sometimes it's listening for things outside of yourself that really show you what's inside of yourself that's missing. Mine was connection with the world as a whole. How amazing the whole place is outside of your safe zone and the people you already know and love. Those places are to be treasured, cherished and respected. But they do not exist to isolate you from the rest of the world. We are called to live in it. All of it. To be that transforming lenscap, if you like. To change the way that people see the moments they miss.
I'm grateful to my Mum today, for telling me something I needed to know. I'm grateful to the world and to God for showing me some of that basic and intense wonder. And I'm grateful to my heart, for being so very full.
There's a poem I want to share with you. It's one that I think encapsulates more of what I want to do. It's one that inspires me. (Though, I would change the last sentence to then you'll be human, my child - but that's what it means anyway, and that's just me being pedantic).
It's called 'If' and it's by Rudyard Kipling, but don't let that stop you.
And today, and everyday, keep listening. And please, let your heart be full.
IF you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise:
If you can dream - and not make dreams your master;
If you can think - and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with worn-out tools:
If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breathe a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: 'Hold on!'
If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with Kings - nor lose the common touch,
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,
If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And - which is more - you'll be a Man, my son!
Over and out,
Cooper x
